From the desk of the Plant Manager
by Kith
Summary: A letter from Bushroot to his fans expressing his views on certain matters


Dear Fans,

Hello. I am Dr. Reginald Bushroot, former scientist and current mutant plant-duck.

It has been brought to my attention that I have numerous fans. I plan to inform Darkwing of this and make him choke on it.

However, as flattering as your attention and affection is, I feel it incumbent upon me to explain a few things to you, my adoring asters.

I've heard through the grapevine that many of you view me as a misunderstood weeping willow, wrongfully accused of wrongdoing by Darkwing Duck. Unlike him, you understand that I am misunderstood. I really wish you'd had jury duty that time I was 'put out' and left for the police after hijacking a quarter of the city!

You are completely right, of course! I am an innocent victim of a justice system that likes nothing more than to eat its vegetables!

My first conviction was for the well-deserved vining of Drs. Gary and Larson. So I attacked and killed them. It was self-defense, sort of! They made me look bad in front of Rhoda and I only wanted to look good in front of Rhoda, so they had to die. It was a crime of passion, motivated by a broken heart. Like I said, self-defense, my heartwood and my happiness were on the line. After all, I'm an endangered species and there are plenty of mocking morons. Besides, I never liked them anyway.

Speaking of Rhoda… ah Rhoda, my delightful dandelion, my cherished carnation! That whole thing of kidnapping her and trying to forcibly mutate her into a mutant plant duck against her will... well I'm telling you right now, that was blown _way_ out of proportion! If that winged weenie hadn't interrupted, Rhoda would have been changed and then she would have seen that I was only doing it for her best interest. It's fate, kismet, karma! Her name is Rhoda Dendron for Pete's sake! She was just scared and didn't understand that I knew what was best for her! You just watch though, one day I'll get her and then she'll see!

Ahem, sorry, my romantic roots got the better of me there. I am a passion flower where Rhoda is concerned. Ah, Rhoda.

Ahem, excuse me.

I feel I should also explain the attempted mowing of Darkwing Duck. Firstly, the first alleged attempt was not even attempted by me. A sunflower was driving that lawn tractor, and not only did the blind begonia miss Darkwing, he hit me! Since then I have abandoned sunflowers as my preferred perennial and now use devious daisies instead. I don't know how they can blame me for that. There isn't even any video of me ordering the sunflower to do it. It was clearly acting on its own initiative. That's what my lawyers say, anyway.

The second time, I admit I was on the tractor and I was after Darkwing, _but_ it was a crime of passion! That no-good sleazy duck of a super hero was making out with my newly grown wife! I ask you, what would you have done if you saw your arch-nemesis putting the moves on and taking advantage of the trusting nature of your wife? I saw red, my sap boiled. I was, temporarily, out of my tree.

While we're on the subject of Darkwing's unfortunate history of vehicular accidents, I want to bring up the time he jumped in front of my delivery truck. It was a white Christmas and my trees and I were heading home with a truck load of presents. You probably won't believe this, but that dim-witted duck actually jumped into the way of a moving vehicle! So, not my fault, and I didn't even get a ticket. Some of you are probably wondering about the supposed illegality of our Christmas shopping. That is an entirely different matter and has no bearing on this letter, you nosy narcissus.

In case any of those plant-hating Darkwingophiles get a copy of this letter, I feel I should address one rather unfortunate event.

I am speaking, as you doubtless know, of the time a few of my daisies got dosed with an experimental fertilizer.

While under the influence, they broke into a tea factory and accosted two unfortunate British tea makers. I was able to explain to the daisies that they couldn't hold it against them that tea was made from plants. Things were going well and, believe me, I was going to offer to pay for the damages until Darkwing got involved. In the ensuing Darkwing-caused scuffle, I didn't get the chance.

You see, Darkwing had gotten into a tangle earlier with Daisy. Being young, full of pollen and vinegar, Daisy wasn't gonna let that go.

Since plants are gentle by nature, I'll skip over the fight itself and admit that it ended up with Darkwing stuffed into a tea bag waiting for the boil. First, I had nothing to do with putting him there. He attacked us and the daisies won, simple as that. I wouldn't have let them kill him, of course. I'm a bleeding heart, really. I was going to stay and watch, like I told the Daises, but just to see him get scared and learn his lesson. Do you really think Spike would have cut that rope if I hadn't told him to? I mean, who are you gonna believe, me, or Dipwing?

In fact, I once even tried to save Darkwing! I know, shocking, but when you're a peaceful petunia like me you don't want anyone to die. This was after I made my money trees. I went out and bought, with real money mind you, a fertilizer factory. I wanted my leafy friends to have only the best! I had just bought it when that arrogant, egoistical, and might I add on the premises illegally, duck showed up!

Well, to make a long story short, after he attacked my trees and defoliated them, they tried to run him through the mulcher. I tried to reason with them; I pointed out that it was final, and messy. They didn't listen, though and next thing you know, they and I were mulch.

I ask you, my justice loving junipers, to consider this. I have never actually killed Darkwing, but he's stood by and watched me be both mowed and mulched.

And I am the villain? Hah I say! Grub bug!

Well, thank you for reading this attempt at setting the record straight.

-Reginald Bushroot, Plant Manager


End file.
